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Thursday, 17 March 2011

I Don't Mean To Be Rude


“I know there’s sunshine behind that rain. I know there’s good times behind that pain. Can somebody tell me how to make a change. I close my eyes and I can see a better day.”
Pray - Justin Bieber

Please forgive me if I offend any of you through this. I really need to get over all the frustration that is bouncing around in my head so that the smile on my face tomorrow will be a genuine one. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m on my hyperactive masochist mode tonight so anything that would potentially hurt my feelings has been amplified by a dozen times. I still love you all no matter what.

It’s 10:40 pm and I’m going all bat-shit in my hotel room. I can’t believe that the competition is gonna be tomorrow. We’ve been working our ass off for the past what? 5 months (yes I’m so freaking screwed up that I lost count)

I’ll tell you all honestly. I’m not ready. Really. I’ve fallen back in the race we’ve all been running in as a team. I have to admit that I’ve been a dick. I just hope that I won’t let you down tomorrow.

Now that the strings have been tightened and we’re all getting nervous. I realize that it’s too late to start towing my line. I just wasted my once-in-a-freaking-lifetime chance to show the world how proud I am to be Malaysian. I’m pulling hard and I hope that I can make it through with you all. I really don’t want to pull you all down with my bullshit.

I’ve gotten the cues. I know I’ve not been serious. I still can’t get my Filipino pronunciation right and I’m still lost in the clouds while everyone is firmly on the ground waiting to take on the world. It’s like I’ve been given up upon.

Maybe it’s because I’ve lost my youth. I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I should have known that something, somewhere wasn’t right. I say I’m perky and I try to be, but it’s still so hard to be like all of you. I don’t chase after girls, I dance like a blob of toufu and I’m a weird dick who has an obsession with feminine stuff like pink and balloons and whatnot. It’s really hard being different. Being 19 sucks too. I wish I could switch places with ANYONE of you. I’ve made too many mistakes and I want to take them all back but I can’t.

The reason I always come for rehearsals with a smile (although I am almost always late) is because I look forward to it. I look forward to what we do because I really love to sing. Music has been part and parcel of what keeps me alive till today. It was the basis of this very blog where you’re reading this shitty post, and it is what I will continue doing for as long as I live.

I don’t know why I seem like a sore thumb here, like a big rusty spring that sticks out of a big fluffy cushion. Like why someone else tells the same joke as me it always seems way funnier. Like why I don’t seem to know even 1% of our inside jokes. I’m not from DJ or from KDU or from the recent KLCC alumni so I guess that puts me in the same category as you-know-who. Yes, that you-know-who whom you all player hate at. The same poor little girl who was given the opportunity to be one of us. I don’t care if some of the big shots in the YC think she’s a bitch. Who are we to judge? We’re firing our bullets in the wrong direction anyway by doing so.

I wish that deep down inside I will know what I’ve been missing all along. Is it my style? Or my knocked up sexuality that makes me look totally homosexual because no one out there wants me? I don’t know what to change and I don’t know what I have to stop doing.

Maybe I’m just worked up. Maybe I need some sleep. Maybe I need to take these contact lenses off and hit the sack...but I hope that this helps me out. I hope that you all hear me because I’m trying to control myself here. I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I love you all to bits, even if some of you might want to kill me i still love you all, and I plan to keep it that way.

Love,
D.A.niel

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