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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

On The Path Unwinding

“All the things I know right now, if I only knew back then.”
Gettin’ Over You - David Guetta feat. Chris Willis, Fergie & LMFAO

And so it is the fifth of January. It is just one day away. In less than 6 hours I’m going to be 19. I’ll be kissing my 18th year of life away, never to return to it.

Birthdays have always been a sad time of the year for me ever since I started to value my life. I always have a bad feeling when they arrive. Spending it with friends helps to ease the pain of knowing that day by day, I just get older and older.

I’ve always felt nervous around this time of the year. Somehow, I don’t feel at ease with my heart. My mind and my heart are always at conflict just like how Freud says that our morality and our libido always fight. I don’t wanna grow up while I’m trying to accept the fact that I, like it or not, am growing older.

Now I truly do understand how our parents keep on trying to push us to value our childhood. I really do. The time we have just slips through our hands and into the abyss below, never to return again. We have no idea how much sand is in our hourglass. All we can do is pray and hope that some day, we’re gonna make our own dreams come true and that we’ll do it hopefully before we run out of sand.

My 18th has been a pretty topsy-turvy year. I was not as bad as my 15th, but nowhere near as good as my 17th. I’ve changed in many ways and have found different meanings in life as well as have met more people, made more friends and lost some. It’s the same every year. What made it different was the fact that I was no longer in high school. Things were much, much different.

It was nothing like how I pictured it to be. The days were boring, and when I ever had the heart to smile, people start to bash me for all sorts of reasons. It almost felt as if I was deprived of the right to be happy.

I am not targeting any specific individual here. I get this everywhere I go. College, church, school, shopping complexes and even on the road so PLEASE do not take this as some unidirectional shot at your reputation.

So this is me signing out for the last time as an 18-year old Malaysian blogger. I hope my last year as a teen will work out well…


Oh look! I’m smiling!


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