One Week Of Ramadhan - The Coda

“There’s no point trying to hide it, no point trying to evade it. I know I got a problem.”
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz

Assalamualaikum my dear readers.

Time flies and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s true that in life, we have no rewind, fast-forward, pause or repeat button. It’s hard to accept that we have no Ctrl+F, Ctrl+Z or Ctrl+Alt+Delete to repeal, retract or remove anything we have done. May it be a little favour or a disastrous mistake, what’s done is done.

Sometimes, it’s hard to move on. Don’t blame yourself. Ask yourself this question. Would you be able to get up after you trip yourself? It’s as good as being tripped by others. As I always am, I hurt myself when I hurt others. Intentionally or unintentionally, whatever we do is always taken for it’s surface value. No one cares about instrumental value these days. It’s sad but true. When was the last time you paused and pondered?

I’m a quick-to-judge, self-centred person. I’m an introvert in the skin of an extrovert, a passive-aggressive person who thinks he’s an assertive and polite nut job. A scared and timid soul hidden under the skin of a delusionally-“fearless” person. A devil who thinks he’s an angel. That’s me. That’s my inner self. It’s so much that there’s only one word that can describe me:

HYPOCRITICAL

I guess this one week changed my life. I dug my own grave and fell right into it.

This post isn’t about demanding something. It isn’t about making you feel bad, it isn’t about making you feel my pain; it’s about sharing an experience that isn’t the least pleasant. It’s about nipping things in the bud and closing the fault before it propagates.

It’s Aidilfitri, and the spirit of reunion is in the air. People are going somewhere. The metropolitan zones of the nation are have emptied themselves out. People are headed somewhere familiar, somewhere they can wake up to the smell of fresh morning air instead of exhaust fumes. Somewhere where they can bathe in refreshing and pristine well-drawn water instead of chlorinated and processed tap water. Yes. People are headed home.

In the spirit of Aidilfitri, married couples give out little green packets with money (slight imitation of Chinese red packets) to kids and youngsters. Houses are opened to anyone who would like to visit and food is served. Islamic dishes and all sorts of Muslim delicacies go on free flow.

But what is behind this all? Why do we eat, drink and be merry especially during Aidilfitri? We do it during Christmas, Easter, Chinese New Year, Hanukkah, our birthdays and even after funerals!

Aidilfitri is all about opening our hearts to one another. The phrase that is heard once so often during this festival is “Maaf Zahir Dan Batin”. These four words are basically a polite request to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done to that person that may have hurt him or her.

So all of you who may read this, this is what life is all about. Aidilfitri is but a season. Forgiveness is a lifelong virtue. A virtue which we all (including me) need to pursue. It’s what’s missing from today’s society. Don’t make the same mistake as I did.

My dear readers,

This blog expires in three days. After which, it will be down for about about a week. The question in me is whether I should keep it up or let it go.

In three days, I either key in my Visa card number into the Google servers to begin the domain transfer process, or I close my doors to the world, and resort to cutting myself physically instead of verbally to relieve myself. Maybe then the tears that have been held inside would finally flow out.

I’m stuck at a crossroad here. And the problem with crossroads is that you’re stuck between three roads: the forward, left and right roads, but you can’t take the one that you really want to take so badly, and that’s back road. Back to the start, back to the beginning. Face it. A Life in Common Time has no Da Capo.

So is this the coda of a Life in Common Time, or is it a transition between a cold and hard struggle to shift into drive and move forward?

The fast lane was never meant for me.

Maaf Zahir Dan Batin,
Love,
D.A.niel

Ready Or Not

“Buy it, use it, break it, fix it. Trash it, change it, now upgrade it”
Technologic - Daft Punk

If you think I’m immature and still wanna lash out at the tears that are already flowing, you’re in the wrong place.

If ever in your life you are to receive advice from a dude named Mervin, don’t hesitate. He’s always right.

I may be a blurcase, but I’m not the type that can ignore things for too long. I can feel bad vibrations a mile away.

For obvious reasons, I shall rephrase the initial contents of my blog post.

Not too long ago, while the air was clean and sex was dirty, a herd of 20 regrouped north of the beautiful autumn meadow to retire for the night.

It was approaching winter, and the chills had started coming in. The winds were high and it threatened to snow once very often. The herd had to brace for the worst.

As it is, the rank of many horses are told by their colour, and in all innocence of judgement, the white stallion was the leader of the pack. He was a fighter capable of taking home the spoils of war.

Respected for her purity and striking colour, the next most influential beast was the unicorn. She was beautiful and was the star of the herd, clearly due to her horn. Most thought it was a blessing, few thought of it as a penis gone wrong.

Either way, some heeded the call of the leaders, while some stayed in the herd for the sake of survival. Every day as the herd grazes the meadow, there he stood. A sarsaparilla-brown steed grazing alone.

He wasn’t unfortunate or whatever, but it was just that he didn’t fit in. He had beautiful hoofs, but no one quite gave a damn. He himself was a little too proud of it, but it was that tiny margin that set him apart. The rest of the herd was either moving in accord with the unicorn, grazing with the white stallion or just among each other.

Then there were lovers, couples that wouldn’t let anything get in their way. Nothing could separate their tender young love except for the white stallion. His word is law, and if you are to defy him (or the unicorn), you’re toast.

And then there’s a cross-breed in the herd. Somewhere between a bull and a horse. He had a dark brownish tone of colour, and was pretty much a loner. Not only was he quite rejected by the herd, but he was also a lone ranger himself.

Most of the time, he would pass by unnoticed until he opens his mouth, then the whole herd wants to shut him up.

As for the brown steed who grazed alone too, everyone would pretty much notice him and avoid him. He seemed to be fine with being the odd one out. The herd usually cracked jokes and talked far too much behind his back. It’s a wonder how he can keep it all inside.

The cross-breed had more of a temper, and had rather more trouble keeping the mess inside. Snide looks follow him, and he can’t help but notice. He’s observant, and he can smell real disrespect and backstabbing from a mile away.

But he had a weak heart that was easily injured, and that was when he started to graze alone; not to observe anymore, but to hide the tears he cried. Every bit just wouldn’t come out, even when he was alone.

Winter came, and all the herd could do was wait for summer. Those who were accepted huddled around the white stallion and the unicorn, the couples kept each other warm while the two loners, at opposite ends of the herd, could do nothing but endure the cold all alone. Sometimes one or two who were independent enough to fare on their own would come and help, but they still stood strong. Strong enough to survive and then collapse on to the bed of daisies that awaited them in the spring.

Summer would come shortly after, and the herd would disperse, some never to see each other again.

But the question is, how many more lonely winters is this bull going to endure before he doesn’t live to see another spring?

Love,
D.A.niel

NOTE: THIS STORY IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CHARACTERS BEAR NO RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON, BEING OR OTHER FICTIONAL CHARACTER UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE. ANY SIMILARITIES AND/OR RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL.

iBeDamned