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Saturday, 11 September 2010

One Week Of Ramadhan - The Coda

“There’s no point trying to hide it, no point trying to evade it. I know I got a problem.”
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz

Assalamualaikum my dear readers.

Time flies and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s true that in life, we have no rewind, fast-forward, pause or repeat button. It’s hard to accept that we have no Ctrl+F, Ctrl+Z or Ctrl+Alt+Delete to repeal, retract or remove anything we have done. May it be a little favour or a disastrous mistake, what’s done is done.

Sometimes, it’s hard to move on. Don’t blame yourself. Ask yourself this question. Would you be able to get up after you trip yourself? It’s as good as being tripped by others. As I always am, I hurt myself when I hurt others. Intentionally or unintentionally, whatever we do is always taken for it’s surface value. No one cares about instrumental value these days. It’s sad but true. When was the last time you paused and pondered?

I’m a quick-to-judge, self-centred person. I’m an introvert in the skin of an extrovert, a passive-aggressive person who thinks he’s an assertive and polite nut job. A scared and timid soul hidden under the skin of a delusionally-“fearless” person. A devil who thinks he’s an angel. That’s me. That’s my inner self. It’s so much that there’s only one word that can describe me:

HYPOCRITICAL

I guess this one week changed my life. I dug my own grave and fell right into it.

This post isn’t about demanding something. It isn’t about making you feel bad, it isn’t about making you feel my pain; it’s about sharing an experience that isn’t the least pleasant. It’s about nipping things in the bud and closing the fault before it propagates.

It’s Aidilfitri, and the spirit of reunion is in the air. People are going somewhere. The metropolitan zones of the nation are have emptied themselves out. People are headed somewhere familiar, somewhere they can wake up to the smell of fresh morning air instead of exhaust fumes. Somewhere where they can bathe in refreshing and pristine well-drawn water instead of chlorinated and processed tap water. Yes. People are headed home.

In the spirit of Aidilfitri, married couples give out little green packets with money (slight imitation of Chinese red packets) to kids and youngsters. Houses are opened to anyone who would like to visit and food is served. Islamic dishes and all sorts of Muslim delicacies go on free flow.

But what is behind this all? Why do we eat, drink and be merry especially during Aidilfitri? We do it during Christmas, Easter, Chinese New Year, Hanukkah, our birthdays and even after funerals!

Aidilfitri is all about opening our hearts to one another. The phrase that is heard once so often during this festival is “Maaf Zahir Dan Batin”. These four words are basically a polite request to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done to that person that may have hurt him or her.

So all of you who may read this, this is what life is all about. Aidilfitri is but a season. Forgiveness is a lifelong virtue. A virtue which we all (including me) need to pursue. It’s what’s missing from today’s society. Don’t make the same mistake as I did.

My dear readers,

This blog expires in three days. After which, it will be down for about about a week. The question in me is whether I should keep it up or let it go.

In three days, I either key in my Visa card number into the Google servers to begin the domain transfer process, or I close my doors to the world, and resort to cutting myself physically instead of verbally to relieve myself. Maybe then the tears that have been held inside would finally flow out.

I’m stuck at a crossroad here. And the problem with crossroads is that you’re stuck between three roads: the forward, left and right roads, but you can’t take the one that you really want to take so badly, and that’s back road. Back to the start, back to the beginning. Face it. A Life in Common Time has no Da Capo.

So is this the coda of a Life in Common Time, or is it a transition between a cold and hard struggle to shift into drive and move forward?

The fast lane was never meant for me.

Maaf Zahir Dan Batin,
Love,
D.A.niel

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