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Friday, 12 March 2010

Overdrive Distortion

"Life's a game that isn't fair, I break the rules so I don't care. I'll be doing my own thing, standing tall against the rain. Victory's within the mile. Almost there, don't give up now."
Run This Town - Rihanna feat. Jay-Z

This morning wouldn't leave me alone. I was praying and hoping that the whole of yesterday would be nothing more than a dream. Nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

I suddenly feel like I can't face this world. How did this happen? I try not to ask myself about what went wrong because I'm in the middle of forgetting the past and trying to move on. As I said in my last post, it was time to leave this in the past and go full steam ahead in SAM. But this morning, the shitload of negative thoughts just couldn't leave my parents' minds.

I used to think that I took control of my life. I used to be a top scorer. The pumped scores and the moderately uncompetitive nature of my class in form 5 got to my head and I felt like a butterfly after SPM. It wasn't the case. I was far from "in control". My dad kept ranting that I;m not in control of my life. I take full responsibility for my results, I'm not blaming anyone for the results I got neither do I blame them for the way I feel. In hindsight, I sudddenly feel that i shouldn't have entered the exam hall with a song in my heart and a smile on my face.

Now I don't think I can even face my class. My standing is at the bottom, in the pits. I'm in a dynamic class that can turn on the edge of a knife, and that is a good thing, but the only problem is, they can and I can't.

I don't feel like going for Mass in church ever again. The silent prayer room always has been and looks like what always will be my place of worship. Behind my locked room door facing my grandmother's wooden crucifix also was helpful, but somehow, somewhere, something went terribly wrong. Why can't I just move on and forget it!? Why can't it just leave me alone!

My results served their purpose YESTERDAY, but that's probably just as much as it did. I'm in a shitstorm of emotional crap right now, and the worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself.

I gotta go for class now. I'm already late.


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