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Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Tokyo Drift

" This night, walk the dead in a solitary style and crash the cemetery gates in the dress your husband hates. Way down, mark the grave where the search lights find us drinking by the mausoleum door, and they found you on the bathroom floor"
Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance

I thought i would be okay this morning, but the odds are against me. More fights, more arguments, less love and no forgivness.

My hands are shaking for no particular reason. I can't operate the computer mouse properly. I'm late for class but I need to calm down. I need to prepare to give the rotten excuses that I prepared in the event that shit like this happens.

It seems to my old folks that having to drive push the car to Subang every morning and evening to send me to college is a burden that they bear just to give me a future, and now that I know how scary our assole Malaysian drivers are, I don't want to drive anymore. I value my life though it's pretty worthless.

If you want me to walk my sorry ass home I will, but that's none of your business. I came back on my own accord yesterday, trying to make you all proud of me but what did I get? More lectures telling me what I already know.

So what if I took a taxi? I know I've taken taxis in Cambodia and Thailand and Singapore, but that's because taxi's are FOOLPROOF. You tell them to go somewhere, he may take you 20 rounds around Kuala Lumpur and will still take you there. But even if you pay a bus driver a million bucks he won't drive you to where you wanna go specifically. Maybe our Malaysian bus drivers will, but you get the point right?

I learned how to take a taxi. I know taxis. I can take a taxi to Europe tomorrow if I want. I learned the LRT too. Why? Because I didn't go alone on the first time. I went with others who were more considerate to teach me how to use the system. Besides, the LRT runs on a track and not on a road. What's the worst that could go wrong?

"Daniel, you're 18."

SO WHAT!? IT'S NOT MY GODDAMN FAULT I'M 18! I always hated my date of birth. I hated being a Capricorn. If only the bloody Cesarean was a month later life would be a little better. Really. I miss all the nice birthday bashes and all. I never had a birthday surprise all 18 years of my life beside all the sweet midnight calls, but then I've given up trying to change what I can't. But still, don't make it look like I want to be 18. Being 18 REALLY SUCKS.

I used to be so optimistic, but look at me now. I never knew being optimistic could backfire so badly. I always thought some good will come out of the shitstorm, but nothing good nor hopeful came out this time. I don't think you'll see that smile I used to wear, my sincere smile. For today, if I even do smile, it'll be to hide the pain that I'm going through.

The water supply is cut in my house, and I didn't take my bath this morning. I feel like SHIT.

And PLEASE stop calling me smart. I AM NOT SMART. I'm a stupid teenager who's very laid back and I'm a bum, a very lazy one. If I've ever done ANYTHING right in my past, it's because of a stroke of luck and nothing more. I can never do anything right or good on my own accord. If you keep believing that I'm a smartass then I'll fail you more and more again. I'm an average kid, in fact, I'm way below average. In fact, I'm just goddamn lucky, and my luck is failing me now.

Jesus, I know you put me through this test of faith and I have failed you yet again. Please forgive your son as you've forgiven him before, thought he's done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

Love,
D.A.niel

1 comment:

thenomadGourmand said...

oh dear...hwr u gettin to class frm now on??

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